Battling my battles.

I made this page to chronicle the fights I have in my life. It seems like life in this busted body is a constant struggle. These aren’t issues I bring onto myself, but things attributed to my ailments. I am currently in the process of moving.   Again. Because this unit came with no working hot or cold water and my aching bones have to be able to take baths. The shitty part? The last complex had the same issue. I’ve had one hot bath in 2 years. And my body hurts from head to toe. They also put me in a unit that has construction feet from our windows 7 days a week. My anxiety is thru the roof. I haven’t felt this level of depression EVER. They weren’t honest when they moved us in so now I relocate to another unit which means in my broken state, I get to pack. I’m not an idiot, but when your on ssdi and doing everything to keep your kids in the same school district, with the limited income come limited options. I sleep on the floor. It still doesn’t excuse scum lords from taking advantage and I can’t sit by and not say anything.

I was just let go from my job. The job I’m not supposed to work because I’m in constant pain with 10+ spine conditions but ssdi only covers my bills, so a part time job helps feed my teens and pay for their clothes as I am on my own.  So there’s that. I was told it was due to not enough hours. I believe it was due to my memory issues. And just weeks before I was let go, I had my pain pump med changed from morphine to dialudid in an attempt to regain my cognition. It did give me some memory, but it put me thru weeks of sickness and loss of appetite. Still I sucked it up,told no one at my job and gave 100% . It wasn’t good enough. It never is. I’ve changed my entire career due to my disability,yet I keep on trying for my kids.

My 15 daughter decided to tell me yesterday she’s been unhappy for months,and wants to live with her dad. This is the first I’ve ever heard this. It’s actually the opposite,as she often complains about him and being there. The kicker? It happened after I took her phone for having bad grades. And after I told my kids I was considering moving to oregon because I felt my illness was infringing on their happiness. My daughter cried,and asked me not to go to Oregon. That she needed me. Apparently not.

Having a hidden disability sucks. You get misunderstood, and judged a lot. People tend to think your capabilities are that of a normal person. Why can’t I get the same support and treatment as someone in a wheelchair?  I’m glad for the few spoonie friends I have. They keep me going. And fighting back in Sac.

That’s it for today. I’ll live to fight more tomorrow. They say stay positive. If “they” only knew how much energy that takes.


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