The thing about depression is

There’s a million things. And I’m trying hard to make sense of it all. I noticed it about a month or so ago. I stopped doing my hair. Stopped doing my makeup. I stopped showering everyday. I stopped going out to shows and being social became more and more of a chore and just not as fun. I deleted my social media pages and changed my phone number. I feel anxious, I didn’t want to share my hardships only to hear the judgement, the “I’m sorry your having a hard time” the assumption that I somehow have control over this chaotic life. I wish with my every being that I could work. That my spine was normal. But it’s not. And for a long time, a very long time, I was positive. I inspired others. I put together benefit shows, and had strength. It’s not there anymore. Bits and pieces find me here and there but for the most part, it’s me, my thoughts and my bed.

The thing about depression is, I get upset when I see other people flourishing. Happy, going on trips, in love, at the gym. Doing normal day to day activities that I can’t do for whatever reason. It’s not their fault and they can’t see my scowl, and I have instant guilt about this feeling. They say with pain comes depression. So is it the pain finally wore me down?  Did life finally beat me up so bad that I just can’t fight back? My kids have always been my motivation, and currently my oldest won’t speak to me, my middle daughter just moved out and isn’t speaking to me, all I have is my sweet son who’s 14 and has no clue just how bad mommy hurts. I just wanted my kids to be happy and instead I feel like my body is ruining their lives. The thing about depression is, it affects everyone around you. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad …..

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. painkills2 · October 10, 2015

    I was a young single mother when the pain became constant, and my abilities as a mother most definitely suffered. My son saw me go through some extremely difficult times and no doubt also suffered with me. He’s in his 30s now and we still don’t have a good relationship. I felt guilty for a very long time about what I put him through, but looking back, I’m not sure how I could have done anything differently. I’ve accepted my mistakes and tried to make up for them, but that’s all I can do.

    There are different levels of depression and one of them I would describe as apathy. When I’m unable to distract myself from the pain, I just don’t care about anything else. I don’t care that my toilet looks disgusting because I can’t find the energy to scrub it, or that all I can manage to eat is chocolate. I haven’t worn make-up in decades, but mostly because I can’t afford it. I don’t wear jewelry or color my hair anymore because looks are no longer important to me. I’ve accepted that pain rules my life and every day I just try to survive. But when life is only about survival, it’s not much of a life.

    I had a pain doctor once who was always pushing me to find a hobby. His suggestions included things like playing the guitar or looking for ways to make money on the internet. But it wasn’t until I got a cheap digital camera as a gift that I found a “hobby” that helped to distract me from the pain. I call this Art and Awe Therapy, and it was this article that gave me the idea:

    https://theweek.com/articles/473687/could-awe-therapy-make-nicer

    Liked by 1 person

    • butyoudontlooksick77 · October 11, 2015

      Thank you. I can’t tell you how much your words hit home. I try everyday, this was the body I was given. I’m simply trying to survive. I certainly have lost my mojo,and all the things that I once loved doing are now too many spoons. Thank you, with my every being for that spark of energy I longed to feel. I do need distractions, because I can’t stop this pain.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s