Hurry up and wait.

That seems to be the spoonie motto at times. Waiting on Dr’s, waiting on meds, waiting on good news just. So while I am in the middle of hurry up and wait, I might as well acknowledge that I am still here. I am still fighting and I am still waking up grateful.

Its hard for me to let go and not be in control. I can’t work right now and I am not sure when or if I can again. I am spending hours trying to find help for xmas so my kids can have the holiday they deserve and so far nothing has panned out at all. Two of my kids still aren’t even speaking to me, and letting go of that one has been the hardest. I realize that its a teengers job to hate their parents but I never expected so much damn heartache. I often have to remind myself of the asshole I was when I was a teen. Juvenile hall, running away, a total disrespectful know it all. So if me and my middle daughter had an amazing relationship all the way until she was 15, this is apparently an accomplishment. Call me crazy but I think kids should always respect their parents but when the co parenting is lacking, the outcome won’t always be sunshine and flowers. Acceptance of not having control has allowed me to breathe. To really listen to my body and this fucking pain. And to not feel bad if I am having a bad day. Cause they happen. Life happens.

Today I am ok. I am going to be content in the hurry up and wait phase, and be thankful for the small victories. I got approved for $34 in food stamps monthly and that is a blessing in my eyes. Being this broke isn’t fun but I know how to budget, cut corners and go without. Hell I haven’t bought bacon or block cheese in years LOL

Be well. I am constantly writing in my head, and I hope what I share allows all to see we are not alone. We are never alone.



  1. painkills2 · November 26, 2015

    Thinking of you during the holiday and wishing you lots of turkey and chocolate. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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