There’s a million things. And I’m trying hard to make sense of it all. I noticed it about a month or so ago. I stopped doing my hair. Stopped doing my makeup. I stopped showering everyday. I stopped going out to shows and being social became more and more of a chore and just not as fun. I deleted my social media pages and changed my phone number. I feel anxious, I didn’t want to share my hardships only to hear the judgement, the “I’m sorry your having a hard time” the assumption that I somehow have control over this chaotic life. I wish with my every being that I could work. That my spine was normal. But it’s not. And for a long time, a very long time, I was positive. I inspired others. I put together benefit shows, and had strength. It’s not there anymore. Bits and pieces find me here and there but for the most part, it’s me, my thoughts and my bed.
The thing about depression is, I get upset when I see other people flourishing. Happy, going on trips, in love, at the gym. Doing normal day to day activities that I can’t do for whatever reason. It’s not their fault and they can’t see my scowl, and I have instant guilt about this feeling. They say with pain comes depression. So is it the pain finally wore me down? Did life finally beat me up so bad that I just can’t fight back? My kids have always been my motivation, and currently my oldest won’t speak to me, my middle daughter just moved out and isn’t speaking to me, all I have is my sweet son who’s 14 and has no clue just how bad mommy hurts. I just wanted my kids to be happy and instead I feel like my body is ruining their lives. The thing about depression is, it affects everyone around you. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad …..