What a difference a day makes.

It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve started this mission. I am still only at a trickle of dialudid with my pump since it was decreased. I’ve stopped taking effexor for depression, promethazine for nausea, flexeril for spasms and topamax for my nerve damage. All I have is weed and some 10/325s norcos, which I only take when I can’t take it anymore.

I’m able to eat again. Sleep. I’m not so anxious, not crying every 2 hours. I’ve been SOCIAL. And I honestly feel happy. Happier than I was. Being depressed and in bed for months seems like a bad dream to me.

I’m getting my MRI results next tues from my PCP. He of course won’t really know my history, as my pain mgmt does. But it’s results none the less. I’ve put this off. It gives me fear, but I can’t move forward until I know what I’m really up against. I’m realistic. The mri helps me get into the Spine center at Uc Davis so I’m currently in that process.

I don’t know when the pump will be taken out. I know when I see my dr in 2 weeks I can answer with 100% confidence that I do want it removed. Am I in pain? Of course. I’m moving slow, I went out on Halloween and sat the entire time even though my spirit craved to dance. But that’s just it. I’m OUT of the house. I’m talking to strangers again. I’m grateful for the trees and the sun, the pain and this life. I was clearly very medicated, and it happens when our alternatives are so fn limited. So I’m gonna try this for now. One day at a time, not worrying about the fact I’m not working, and knowing that no matter what I’ll be ok.