Some body save me from myself. I’m really wondering, how did it get to this point? And then I remember. Oh ya, I’ve been a spoonie since age 11.
I’ve had a morphine pump since march 2013. It started to affect my memory about 6 months in. After about a year, it got really bad. So bad that I started withdrawing socially. It affected me at work, basically every fn aspect of my life. The only comparison I can give thats close to it is alzheimers. It was severe, it waa scary and I honestly thought it was my brain and not the pump. So for months I begged for a brain scan, a neurology appt. Went thru several appts and hassles on that. The end result was my pain mgmt offered to change the med in my pump to dialudid. I was already on a low dose of morphine, but taking 6 other meds, in a world of pain and now in a deep depression for the first time. I had heard dialudid worked well so I figured it can’t be worse than what I’m at. I gave it a month. I basically slept for a month. I lost my job, my kid moved out, can you see my time line slowly plummeting?
I get that I gave more spine conditions than a normal person. I also know that they have exhausted all procedures, meds, methods, and the pump was my last resort. I got it because I didn’t want to be high on meds. Instead I’m a fn mess, sick, can’t eat, sleeping all the time or not at all, unable to work, depresses anti social basket case. I’m not the same person. I can’t tell if it’s all the meds, or the compound of shitty things happening in my life. But I feel in my heart, I don’t want a machine in me going 24-7. There has to be a better way.
So my dr lowered my pump to a basic trickle. And what I’m feeling is like Mfn heroine withdrawel. I used to work in a woman’s rehab. Before my disability got the best of Me and worsened, that was my career. I’m well awaRe of opioid comedown. I’ve seen every drug withdrawel there is, and this isn’t pretty. It’s one of the worst. I’m at the level for pump extraction but my dr wants me to feel what it’s like at this level before making a decision. Meaning, she wants me at maximum pain. I understand, it’s not a small surgery. It waa weeks of recovery time and two scars. I’m on day #2 and I’ve dry heaved, cried twice but I managed to go pump gas and get coffee which is HUGE. I have to move today, they are sending movers at 12 and I’m all by myself so I’m going to try and just sit here and give orders because my energy level is negative. My pain is a 12, but I am feeling less shaky than yesterday. This move has taken so much out of me, angry because I’m being forced due to water issues and I’ll be glad when it’s done.
I haven’t has an Mri since 2009. Not sure why, fear perhaps? The uc davis spine center where I am requesting to go requires a new mri, so both my pain mgmt and my primary have put in referrals for one. Sadly they are both on the same page that my conditions have worsened and that it is time for me to seek other alternatives, at uc davis they specialize in my conditions. So the next few months will be rough. I get to taper off dialudid, go down on my topamax, I’m going off Flexeril, all to determine what side effect is coming from what. Then I will be hopefully going to uc davis soon and seeing a specialist, and go from there. It’s just having the strength to get to that day lol